on being kinder to myself

 It is pretty concerning seeing the last post I had has been more than a year ago!

It is mid-June of 2025, 1:19 a.m., and I am still up with the hope of getting started on my Korean studies. I have 8 chapters to cover for an exam coming up in 2 days. I am going to sound like a lost case here when I say that I have been postponing it for the past 6 months. Why, you ask? Well, I gotta say I only have myself to blame - I have been doom scrolling on my phone, switching between one social media app to another, overstimulating my brain with fake dopamine release only for the temporary pleasure and for the sake of not ever feeling bored. I could have just be disciplined, put down my phone, taken 2 steps away from bed to desk, pulled out the books, and started studying, but there went the time wasted, oh so wasted I am never getting it back again.

For the past a year and a half, I could feel myself rolling deep into the pit of nothingness because of the habit that I have unfortunately let myself being too comfortable and at ease with. A single paragraph read is enough to put me to sleep for 3 hours. How damning is that. I study a subsection and my right hand itches to grab the phone laying on my bed unbothered. My brain is too mushy now.

And with that, here are the resolutions to make the rest of 2025 at least a level better:

1) Get back to teaching. This is more of my own initiative to give back to the youth. I start this weekend, teaching BM upon request by a parent. I used to teach her children through a volunteer program before. Since the program has now been put on hold, she requested me to teach her daughter, mainly on Penulisan. Also to force myself to go live on tiktok for SPM math at least 30 minutes per session.

2) Digital declutter. Apparently I have giga if not tera bytes of photos, videos, clips, screenshots, from when I first got my iPhone. It was iPhone 6s, and there was when I slowly started documenting my life. 

The sad part was that I hated how I looked so much back then than I never liked it when people tried to take my photos. Looking back, I pity her, and I pity my current self the same, because I feel that even more strongly these days.

Anyway, back to the point. I aim to allocate some time sifting through the photos to be sent for physical printing and have them eternally seized in the album, unless of course if the mites are that hungry. 

Then, move on to the videos and clips I have. Believe it or not, I was vlogging a lot on my phone back then. Nothing much really. Back then, I tended to isolate myself from the rest of the friends group. More like a lone ranger. A sad one. Had no idea why I did that. So I resorted to talking to myself, rambling, to the camera. Did I tell you I was a loyal watcher of Judy Travis family vlogs? I would be on standby for the daily vlogs released at 12 pm and did not skip a bit! They were usually 15 to 30 minutes long. I could watch them in one sitting, speed 1x!!! Again, back to the point. What am I to do with these videos and clips? Compile them and post on youtube for the keepsake. Okay, maybe also for the world to see. 

3) Get moving. The amount of time I have spent bed-rotting is terrifying. I might have turned out so fat my friend sent me a tiktok of pig with pink ribbon to me. What's her motive, only god knows. Let's just keep the friendship for now. We'll see how it goes.

4) Write. Almost half an hour in since I started writing this post, I stopped once to grab my phone. The itch, remember? That is to say that, hey, I am not too bad at free-writing! I did attempt at physical journaling - writing with the pen on the paper. My god how satisfying that feeling is. I strive to immerse myself back in writing. I used to be wonderful at it. Not the creative one though. Now it's time to get creative and express myself better. This is hopefully to also help with my articulation. Boy has my speech gotten worse. 

5) The most important thing is to be kinder to myself. I am not everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine. I am not pleasant to them as much as how they are to me too. And again, that's totally fine. I notice that when I am by myself, I am soooo content. But when I get back in the 'real' world, spending time with friends for example, that's when my self-esteem drops. That is such a pity. All this worrying about superficial thing is pitiful. Let's not dismiss whatever privileges there are out there. Yes, those unfortunately exist and valid. I am subjected to them too. However, that is not a me problem that they favor a lady who's skinny and fair over a fat dark one, giving the former all the benefits there is in the world - better treatment, acknowledgment, raise, be it during casual interaction while queuing up at the grocery store, and especially at the workplace. That is not a me problem. That is a their problem. And if they think they fall into the trap and somehow put me in the disadvantage, it is my responsibility to be kind to myself and take myself outside of that environment. I just deserve better. 

 

Now time to get started on my studies.

Just a side note, I have been using em em dashes since I was 13. Therefore, the claims that equate em dashes to chatgpt output is not totally valid. I utilize them religiously. And I despise chatgpt.

thank you 2023

Today is Jan 1st of 2024. I am forever grateful for 2023, for the journey that it brought me on, for the experience it taught me, for the gains and the losses.

I lost a number of close family members - grandaunt, uncle, friend. I reflected on my reliance on the members of immediate circle of society within my reach, nuclear and extended family in particular, on how I can stay connected with them to provide them supports and helps when they're in need, as well as how I can engage them when I in turn needs help. It is definitely a type of relationship that is transactional. 

I also could not help but to always, passively or actively, envision my future. I for one am fortunate to be able to work from the comfort of my bedroom. That allows for me skipping commutes, not paying for rents, transportations, and meals, and being saved from the holiday and festive traffic. One could argue it comes with a price - not expanding network through physical connections, missing out on friends meet ups, lavish career opportunities, seminar and conferences, 'entertainment' - and they are right. These 'perks' are mainly concentrated in the highly densely populated urban areas. As for this country, such area is in the city being the hub of everything, that is KL, which is at least 5-hour drive away from my hometown.

I reflect on that, and make peace with having to bear the cost in order to enjoy the fortunes. After all, that is what life is all about. We win some. We lose some. 

Looking back, this has unexpectedly led me to a peaceful state of mind with an unbound future. I loosely plan, but not to the minute details of every single event. I know that in my old age, I want to stay close to my people, the people from my hometown who embrace the same life I would like to enjoy, that is, peaceful suburban life in contrast to the hustle of the city. I want to stay close to the community who knows who my parents are, who my grandparents are, and who I am, too. Talk about taking advantage of the generational privileges. (A whole lot more to unpack there. For simplification, privilege here does not equal to 'that' privilege of the white oppressors. We are not talking about generational wealth kinda privilege here). I want to live in a town where everything is accessible within less than 30 minutes - hospital, schools, universities, parks, and yes, sure, entertainment. These are my version of calculated risks, and I am fully aware of the losses. One additional monetary con: land price is jacked up real high here. Food too. 

2023 started with me joining a new department at my workplace, as the previous team I was in was disbanded i.e. laid off. It has been a journey - to start over, to ramp up, to learn. I am forever grateful for the wonderful new colleagues I have, despite of us only communicating virtually throughout this year. Their support made it possible for me to pick up the pace and thrive in this new role. One year in now. 

I am conflicted to be working in corporations where they directly affiliate themselves with the ethnostate. They have offices and plants built on formerly Palestinian villages of which the villagers were all displaced. I am taking my time to learn more about the ethics and religious guidelines behind earning/serving at a workforce of such nature. This is another case of you win some, you loss some. Win: financial stability, prestige (maybe). Loss: my beliefs and values.

2023 is full of small wins, now that I look back at it, that contribute to my personal growth throughout the year a whole. Let me try to list them down, as I am getting fatigued of writing in paragraphs and full sentences.

1. I passed Korean Level 1 with flying colors! Midterm - 95.85% (A+). Final - 98.67% (A+), and overall 97.68% (A+)! I excel on paper only. In real life, my Hangeul reading is still in beginner level. But that is how the world works, right? They only see what you have on paper! I will highly recommend this class to alllllll the people I know that would like to learn Korean from 0. It is organized by a group of Malaysia students who graduated from universities in South Korea, with super affordable tuition fees, and super engaging instructors. I was always interested to learn Korean, but I found that self-learning is suuuuupeeeer difficult for me. I needed a structure and real-time guidance, and that was when I found out about this course offered by an academy and immediately enrolled. If there is anyone at all who is reading this and interested to learn Korean, enroll with them here or https://academy.hazelease.com/ . Use my referral code: KR2206-1802 and you will get RM10 off on your first month of tuition fee! All in for level 2 Korean for 2024!
2. For some reason, I just love teaching. I, however, despise our education system, especially the current one. For 2023, I volunteered with a local organization here, as a tutor for primary school students for English. This is a continuation from 2022. It was an eye-opening experience for me to get a first-hand experience on how terrible the system is, especially with the abolishment of UPSR and PMR. I could not wrap my head around the fact that 10- and 11-year-old who do not know the months of the year, even in Bahasa Melayu. They do not even remember their birthday! The overly dramatic side of me brought this to the attention of my mother, who has been an educator for 28 years - and her reply was: "That was not shocking nowadays. Covid-19 outbreak which led to the implementation of virtual classes at all level, topped with the abolishment of two major level exams, further exacerbated by the disparity between the student's family income level have started to exhibit the consequences. I am praying, praying hard for a prosperous future of our nation, come 10 years down the road.
3. 2022 was when I created a tiktok account focusing on Math SPM. Through this account, I engage with SPM students to share the solution for math problems via videos and more frequently now, live sessions. This year, under the same brand name, I have been publishing more YouTube videos as well to keep the channel active and eventually built up. Anyone can find the solution to SPM Math Trial papers. For the time being, my focus is on multiple choice questions, as I do not have enough supplies at the moment to record tutorials for subjective questions. It went from 30+ to now 170+ subscribers. It used to be quite a hassle previously when I restricted myself only have a 30-min videos max published to solve 40 questions. The way I would do it was I would screen record the solution only, without narration. Then, I recorded the voice over of the screen recorded video using my phone, then transferred that audio back to pc, and imported both video and audio to a video editing tool, did some tweaking here and there - increased the playback speed, ensured the right pace so that the audio matched the video, all to ensure that I did not go over 30 minutes. It was only recently that I found a super simple solution to this laborious process - to screen record and narrate using PowerPoint! There is a Record feature on ppt! I just need to set up my writing board and headset, and off I go to record and narrate at the same time. Once the recording is completed, I simply export the ppt as video, save it as mp3, and ready for upload. Just like math, the solution to your problem may not be as complicated as you think it is. When you thought it would take 10 steps of a process, look a little closer. Maybe the solution requires only 3 steps.
4. Another tutoring volunteer I signed up for was to guide one SPM student in Math. I signed up through another organization where they recruited low-performing students in Math to match with the volunteering tutors on a 1-on-1 basis. My student is based in Putrajaya, and we have been communicating virtually since Oct'23. She did so well that her score improved from 30%+ in midterm to 60%+ in trial! How wonderful is that! Side track a bit, I received a number of requests for paid Math tutoring, which I eventually rejected. Reason being is that I just do not feel adequate enough to be paid just yet (again) to teach. 
5. These are the books that I recall reading this year. I should track my reading this year!
1. MLK Autobiography
2. Ten Myths of Israel
3. Palestine Speaks

2024 will be a year for the family - two siblings are graduating.

I also made mental notes and shared these plans with a couple friends on what I look forward to in the upcoming few years:

1. Pursue my studies in clic psych
2. work abroad
3. apply for temp teaching post

because yolo.

my tiktok is progressing on quite a decent rate

as we all know by now, i started an educational tiktok page, focusing on math spm level.

i talked to atiqah, and was suggested to document the journey for future me to come back and revisit. i thought, good idea. here we are.

i created the account on 22 dec 2022 by accident, unplanned. it was on the day that i went for my medical checkup. mind u i didnt usually go out on a weekday morning, bcs, you know, work. lol. but that day i did, and i dropped by a local bookstore which has been there since forever, and grabbed newspapers and also math exercise books (of old syllabus, the KBSM). "math for fun sounds fun," i thought. "maybe i can post videos of me solving math problems on tiktok" was another of my thought, just for the fun of it. and i did! i started getting the attention of students on tiktok, promoted my account to all my lil cousins, aunts and uncles, lol! kena ringan mulut la kan. and today, 2 months later, we have 3.8k followers. good enough for me. i frequently go on lives too, making my presence visible, including on the recent AJL37 (i think) night, the highest view at a time that i had, in the 300s! at one time! upon request of two (a win is a win), we now have a telegram group, a youtube channel, and a linktree! say what! say yeah! lol

excited to see where this goes!

You've been wonderful, 2022!

  I was enjoying my past-midnight korean karaoke session (read: korean speaking, reading, listening practice) when it occurred to me that I did not publish a single post in 2022! I mean, talk about progress! I did not wait further, jumped out of bed, turned on my laptop, signed to blogger, revisited my 2022 album, and began typing.

January set off strong. My friends and I initiated weekly badminton session (which of course should be followed by cafe-hunting sessions), and this lasted for half a year. My first time joining virtual run too, thanks for the pompous year-long anniversary celebration of my organization. Hey, not bad. Not bad at all! 

I was offered a full-time permanent employment after 9 months. We also had new addition to our family, a little one! He's been our pride and joy, grown up so much! 

Key takeaway: ask for it! No one's gonna know whether you want it or not, so ask for it! Promotion? Ask for it. Worst case is you don't get it. A car blocking your way out of your spot? Ask them to move it! That reverse light ain't lighting enough during the day for some. That guy whom you're interested in? That. That I have no authority to touch on. 

It was a year full of love, stability, learning, maturity, with family and friends. A year where I witnessed unions of love - admirable, unexpected, desirable, mediocre, opposed to. Lol. A year where I gave back as much as I could to the youth and children. Looking back, I cannot help but to still think that this is at my lowest capability which I had been able to contribute back. But hey, it is still something. My getting on the 5 am train for 3 hours to the reach school (2 states away) for SPM candidates' mock interview was a big deal! My setting aside (paid) 1 hour every week for deserving children was a big deal! Efforts I wish to impact them, even for the slightest, for the better.

Of course there's a lot to reflect on, especially on the future of our nation with the youth of today. Are you aware of how severe the literacy rate among students is? How very few of them read anymore - even comics, let alone 'real' books. How must-know words are not that known to the kids, because of their lack of reading. It is the digital era. Information is obtained through short 1-min videos, if not less. Why should they read? That is if the content is interesting enough. Why should they put it their time for boring time-consuming academia stuff when dances are farrrr more entertaining, and can bring them money too to a certain extent. Are we truly prepared for the future?

Let's not go into poverty. Man, what a depressing way to recap a year, isn't it?

On to the less depressing part.

Friends have been wonderful. Family, even more. There were times, though, when I loneliness does hit, which was typically triggered by 4-5 friends not picking up my calls. Lol. What a soft-hearted lady. Which brought a big realization to me - am I prepared to lose my loved ones? How am I going to get through my old days, that is, if I were ever to reach the old days. In this economy, I kinda see being mortal at 40 does not sound that bad of an idea, at all. 

Okay. Enough with the reflections. A must-ask question: did I at least pick up any new (money-making) skills this year? Of course I did! I signed myself up for Korean lessons after dismissing my hesitations - language is better learned physically - to which I lost close to a year worth of time spending on contemplating before finally deciding to give it a go. Haven't been regretting it, even once! The best decision I have ever made. Still an absolute beginner though. Do not expect me to write a full post here right at this moment... Although I kinda wish I could...

Did I mention I started a tiktok page sharing how I solve high school Math questions? Yeah. Might take a while before the videos reach your fyp.

I will remember 2022 as a year where you're absolutely replaceable at work. Always prioritize yourself and your family. Put work, maybe the fifth on the list. 

It has also been a wonderful year for the outcome of GE15. Here's for a better Malaysia.

If this post even has a reader, congrats for getting this far of the post. If you've been following through, I am sure you can tell I haven't been of a well-read in 2022. Lol. Here's to more reading, solid Korean, and a new job in 2023? Maybe also diversifying my spotify list? It's been too mundane.

Overwhelming Emotions with The Kite Runner

 As always, early mornings (we're talking 3 to 5 am time period) would be the perfect time to write, at least that's how I find for myself, especially after you have just finished reading The Kite Runner!

It's 4.12 am. My eyes are puffy from all the crying for the past hour prior to finishing up the book.

My takeaways from the novel, very unstructured and (hopefully you'll find it) simplified:

We humans are evil creatures. We do evils be it on lower ground - to your friends, siblings, etc - and on the higher level, killing the entire country and the generation, current and future, as a whole. We are greedy. Sadly, massively greedy. Never enough. And life is complex too. We will find us in numerous instances torn between morally conflicting decisions, like do I tell her she got a booger, or do I simply proceed with your business assuming the strange woman will eventually see herself in the mirror and fix it herself, saving her from public embarrassment from a total stranger? I imagine myself revisiting this post and wondering how did I come up with such lame example, lol, to I wish to be pardoned.

Family is another emotional element in the novel. While growing up fatherless due to political turmoil is not closely equivalent to separated parents even a bit, the tiny part of me relates very minutely to how the experience is like. Now imagine a fatherless nation. Even to imagine is burdening emotionally. Stealing the kids' childhood is another. Imagine being forced to grow up before you're supposed to.

Hosseini's vivid and detailed story-telling made me feel like I was there with Amir and Hassan, living the peaceful colorful life there was in Afghanistan, a place I have not imagined being in, let alone visiting. He takes me there, surfing through the mix and twist of wondrous, warm, struggle, traumatic, joyous, surprise from the lens of Amir's view. Nothing good can war bring to any of the once lively and vibrant nation, ever. 

Many parts struck me, but one that significantly did was when Amir first arrived in the country coming back from the US and said to Farid how he feels like a tourist when in the actuality, that was the country he grew up in. Not the same, but in a way is parallel to counter-culture shock which I, admittedly shameful to admit, has gone through once when I was abroad for 2 years then being back again in my own country. Everything seems wrong to me: why are the people not holding the door, why are they not saying thank you, why the invasive extensive personally questions despite me not knowing who the hell are you, frustrating public transport, to name a few. It struck me that I was privileged enough to experience that, but it reminds me to not dismiss the opportunity this land has laid out for me, where I am from originally. 

Grind

 It's been a while since I last wrote here. I am now in Setia Alam, currently at home, testing out my new unifi broadband. Not been acting up for this 5 hours, and I get a trial period of 2 weeks too so that's good.

My contract is now on withhold and will resume probably in 3 month time. At the moment, I'm interning and will start a new upskilling program too. All while filling up the gap until the contract resumes.

Also, just done (online) shopping. Sent quite an amount of foods and supplies to the family using the staff privilege. Loving it! Will grab some for me later too.

I'm aware that my writing is all over the place. It's because I free write, and I know I should actually organize my points but cut me some slack here.

I had a quick talk with someone from work, a doctoral degree holder. "I'm not an ambitious person. I just want to live happily with my plants. Teaching takes so much work and I don't want that."

Something that I've been thinking about for a while. What's my purpose? What do I want? 

I know that I want to live close to my community, grow with them, and give back to them in whatever forms I could possible can: teach children how to read, guide underprivileged teenagers to fully maximize their potentials, create job opportunities for the youths. Those are my dreams. I dream of, at the end of the day, to come back to my hometown and realize those dreams. 

I guess the grinding starts now.

Pregnancy

Waking up in the middle of night, full of inspirations and ideas, yes, that has very rarely happened to me. The last time it happened was probably when I was trying to finish writing my Philosophy essay on reconstruction of Socrates' argument from Protagoras on virtue, which was in Fall 2017. How time flies! And I could really write back then! Next time I'll write on procrastination and why I still practice it.

I have been trying to sleep early, so that I would spend a productive time during the day, for quite a while now. And tonight, I did. I slept at around 11 p.m., but woke up again around 2 a.m., and has been awake since. 

The internet. Pro: you will never have time for boredom. Con: you will never have time for boredom.

My alarm went off after I was awake, telling me to go to sleep, to get my full 6 hours. Guess it's not happening today because I went on and grabbed my phone, launched the Safari, browsed YouTube, visited my planets and worlds on AdVent Capitalist and Communist, one app after another.

After spending some time watching some Oscar-nominated animations, two people who went on a blind date, and Judy Travis's daily vlog, I think I get to learn a thing or two about myself, that is, I just want to live an ordinary live. I don't think I will be that workaholic career woman. I find comfort and safety from living with and near my family, and I want the same for my future family as well. Eating in, grow vegetables on our backyard, have guests visiting frequently, camping. I feel like this partly stems from my growing up away from my family since I was 13 that makes me appreciate them even more now. Not gonna lie, I do get annoyed sometimes, especially now that I have been living with my mom since I got back. That's almost 9 months now. But I soon realized that my annoyance over my mom calling (screaming!) my full name from her room just to have me cabut her uban is really unnecessary yet normal to experience. 

As I grow older, so do my parents, and it wasn't until recently that I noticed that, and I make a conscious effort to be with them for as long as I can be. Can we talk about how clingy parents get now that they are older? How cute!! For some reason, I always picture myself with future daughters, never sons (or even son). Now that children were mentioned, ugh, pregnancy.. That shit sounds scary.

I look up to women who have successful careers while still prioritizing their families. Also, housewives. How are they all energized all the time, always ready to go? How do they do that?!